She hit me first! He took mine! It's not fair! Make her stop! What about meeee? Tell him to go away! I don't want to! I can't! Whyyyyyyyyyyyy???

Have you heard any of these lately? Have you heard all of these lately? If you have never heard any of these, please come to my house now, as quickly as you can, run don't walk, and tell me your magical secrets oh wise one who I will provide snacks and hugs to forever...because I hear these all the time. Or variations of them. And I don't know how to make it stop. But what I do know, is how to stop if from progressing any further and turning into a bigger situation than it needs to be.

Sooo something happened and now your child is irrational and unable to calm down. Maybe they fell and got hurt (check for that of course) or maybe they're embarrassed or maybe they're angry or scared or frustrated. It could be anything. Maybe you saw what happened or maybe you didn't or maybe you don't even need to see what happened to know what happened because you know your child very well and this isn't your first rodeo. Regardless, the first step is to determine what YOUR CHILD believes happened. Whether what they're upset about seems rational to you or not, whether they are reporting what actually happened or are practicing revisionist history, they are responding to what they believe just happened. And that is the crux to almost every interaction that goes awry. Children, and adults, respond to events from their own perception, which may not always line up with actual facts or with others' perception of the event. As a counselor, I am often handed thick files about my new clients. Pages and pages of what other people have written about someone I'm about to meet. I always read them and pay attention to what the files say, and then I tell my clients "I have a file full of info about you, but what I don't have is YOUR story from YOUR perspective and ultimately that's what I'm here to work with you on, so tell me your story. Tell me what happened from your perspective and then we'll go from there." Undoubtedly, this alone has helped me develop positive rapport with clients more than any other counseling technique I've ever used.

For example: You are at the playground with your two kids. They're running around with other neighborhood kids and you're sitting on a bench half watching them and half staring off into space. Suddenly one of your children comes running over in tears. Not the "I'm hurt" tears, more the "I'm mad" tears, and explains through sobs that her sister is not letting her play with the other kids. Hmmmm. You look over at your other child and she seems to be in the midst of a game that looks a lot like tag with about 4-5 other kids of various ages and none of them seem to notice that there's a child who thinks she's not included or that she's crying or really anything other than what is going on in their game. And so you say "Did you tell them you wanted to play? Maybe they just don't realize you want to play." Oh so logical. You're rocking this parent thing. Except, instead of saying , "Great idea, smart momma!" and skipping off to join the game, your child collapses and starts howling and saying how it's not fair, her sister always plays games she is never allowed to play and on and on and on. And right in this moment, right now you start to feel something. Maybe it's sadness that your kids don't get along all the time. Maybe it's frustration that your one child does sometimes exclude the other one or that one of your children is less assertive and tends to cry when she feels the slightest bit left out rather than speaking up. Maybe it's none of those things, but right now the way you respond will probably be directly related to how YOU are feeling about this interaction. But what will de-escalate this will be if you respond to this situation based on how your CHILD is feeling. Regardless of how you see this interaction happening, your child is viewing it from their perspective. And that is obvious based on how they're responding right now in front of you. What they need right now is to be heard and validated.

So in this example what would I do? I'd say, "Tell me what happened". Their version of the story is the quickest and most effective way to find out why whatever happened upset them so much. Despite already knowing what probably happened as the parent of these two kids who has probably had this exact conversation many times, your child's version of what happened is what they are responding to behaviorally and emotionally. As they're telling their story, pay attention. Make eye contact. Get down to their level. Hold their hands. Touch them and look at them and let them know you are not only hearing them, but also processing and listening to them. I have found, that alone will sometimes calm a child down. Really no other action may be needed. You may wipe their face off and say, it's ok, go back and see if you can play now...and they will. Maybe they'll sit quietly for a few minutes with you before something catches their eye and they run off. Or maybe they need you to now respond to their story with suggestions and assistance, in which case, you get into parenting mode and help them fix their issue. Maybe what happened is different what you originally thought and would have responded to. Whichever way it plays out, you have now shown your child that you are willing to hear them. Really hear them. And you value their perception. And you are always there for them. Rather than thinking about what has happened historically, or anticipating what may have happened, you've used mindfulness to listen to them here and now and THAT my friend, will make a difference. Now go back to staring off into space, you earned it.

So you think your child might benefit from some mindfulness, but don't know where to start. Maybe your little one has limited impulse control or has a hard time processing difficult situations and you've heard that mindfulness can help, but have no idea what it is or how to "do" mindfulness. No worries, you probably already do it in some way without even realizing it. The act of mindfulness is fairly simple. It's actively and purposefully being aware of the current moment without judgment. Mindfulness doesn't need a fancy place to sit, or any type of specific clothes or equipment, it just needs you to take notice of your present situation.

For example, anyone who knows me knows I take a lot of pictures. I'm a hobbyist photographer and can often be found crawling around on the ground taking pictures of a bug or sneaking up on my kids/cat/dog/husband trying to capture them without them knowing. I've had more than one neighbor pull up alongside my hastily parked car along a local country road and ask me if I need a ride home while I'm completely engrossed in snapping a picture of the light in the trees, trash along the road, or some other object that has caught my eye. Photography is my mindfulness. Whatever I'm capturing with my camera, I'm not trying to manipulate or change or judge in any way, I'm simply noticing it and capturing it as is in that moment. This is something I've worked on for years and obviously not everyone has an interest in photography and so one very simple way to practice mindfulness is to focus on your breathing, since your breath is always with you.*

So how do you focus on your breath? What does that mean and how can we teach our children to do this? Well, obviously you could send them to yoga and mindfulness classes and someone like me will teach them LOTS of methods to do this with all sorts of tricks and tips to make is something they can do on their own in the moment they need it most. Buuuuut, that's not always doable so here's my little cheat sheet for you to do on your own. If you use it, whether it works or not, please let me know! I love feedback and to connect with new people!

Find a reasonably quiet place to sit. If you're at home with other people in the house, this may be challenging, so maybe go outside or upstairs or where ever is a little bit quieter. It doesn't have to be silent, just maybe not smack in the heart of your home during homework time. Sit criss cross applesauce if that's comfortable. If it's not, find a position that works for you. Rest your hands lightly in your lap or on your knees.
Close your eyes. This is uncomfortable for some children at first as they want to peek. It's ok if they peek and I've found that after the initial giggles wear off, if you stick with it, they will too. Give it a full minute or two and eventually they will settle and close their eyes. Be patient, wait it out.
Take a deep breath through your nose. Fill your chest as if your ribs are growing out to the sides and fill your belly as if it is a balloon. Then release the breath. Notice where you felt it most. Maybe your nose or your chest or your belly.
Take another deep breath. Once again notice where you felt it most this time. Did you feel it in the same place or someplace different? What is the temperature and any other noticeable factors of the air as it enters your body? If you're sitting outside on a cool fall evening, the air might be quite different than if you're on a beach in the middle of the summer or downstairs in your family room.
Take one more breath. See if you can make your exhale longer than your inhale. Was that comfortable for you or did it make your breathing feel forced? Either way, notice that without judging it or thinking you're doing it wrong.
If at any moment your focus floats away from your breathing, notice that. It's interesting what pops into our minds the minute we sit for a second, isn't it? Ok, now refocus back to your breathing. The more times you do this, noticing when your mind wanders and bringing it back to your breathing, the better you'll get at sustaining a longer mindfulness practice. You are building your brain's focusing muscles just by practicing this simple activity!
Now slowly open your eyes. Take a breath at your own pace however feels comfortable. Notice how your brain feels now. Any different? What's different and what's the same?

That's it. It's not complicated and this is only one simple little method, but it is challenging to take the time to do this and to teach it to our children. But just think of all the times you've said to your child, "Calm down. Take a breath." And now think how awesome it would be to say that to your child and for them to know exactly how to do just that.

xoxo -Meredith

*unless you are a zombie, and then I got nothin'. sorry.