How do I communicate "calm down" to my child mindfully?

She hit me first!  He took mine!  It's not fair!  Make her stop!  What about meeee? Tell him to go away!  I don't want to!  I can't!  Whyyyyyyyyyyyy???

Have you heard any of these lately?  Have you heard all of these lately?  If you have never heard any of these, please come to my house now, as quickly as you can, run don't walk, and tell me your magical secrets oh wise one who I will provide snacks and hugs to forever...because I hear these all the time.  Or variations of them.  And I don't know how to make it stop.  But what I do know, is how to stop if from progressing any further and turning into a bigger situation than it needs to be.

Sooo something happened and now your child is irrational and unable to calm down.  Maybe they fell and got hurt (check for that of course) or maybe they're embarrassed or maybe they're angry or scared or frustrated.  It could be anything.  Maybe you saw what happened or maybe you didn't or maybe you don't even need to see what happened to know what happened because you know your child very well and this isn't your first rodeo.  Regardless, the first step is to determine what YOUR CHILD believes happened.  Whether what they're upset about seems rational to you or not, whether they are reporting what actually happened or are practicing revisionist history, they are responding to what they believe just happened.  And that is the crux to almost every interaction that goes awry.  Children, and adults, respond to events from their own perception, which may not always line up with actual facts or with others' perception of the event.  As a counselor, I am often handed thick files about my new clients.  Pages and pages of what other people have written about someone I'm about to meet.  I always read them and pay attention to what the files say, and then I tell my clients "I have a file full of info about you, but what I don't have is YOUR story from YOUR perspective and ultimately that's what I'm here to work with you on, so tell me your story.  Tell me what happened from your perspective and then we'll go from there."  Undoubtedly, this alone has helped me develop positive rapport with clients more than any other counseling technique I've ever used.  

For example: You are at the playground with your two kids.  They're running around with other neighborhood kids and you're sitting on a bench half watching them and half staring off into space.  Suddenly one of your children comes running over in tears.  Not the "I'm hurt" tears, more the "I'm mad" tears, and explains through sobs that her sister is not letting her play with the other kids.  Hmmmm.  You look over at your other child and she seems to be in the midst of a game that looks a lot like tag with about 4-5 other kids of various ages and none of them seem to notice that there's a child who thinks she's not included or that she's crying or really anything other than what is going on in their game.  And so you say "Did you tell them you wanted to play? Maybe they just don't realize you want to play."  Oh so logical.  You're rocking this parent thing.  Except, instead of saying , "Great idea, smart momma!" and skipping off to join the game, your child collapses and starts howling and saying how it's not fair, her sister always plays games she is never allowed to play and on and on and on.  And right in this moment, right now you start to feel something.  Maybe it's sadness that your kids don't get along all the time.  Maybe it's frustration that your one child does sometimes exclude the other one or that one of your children is less assertive and tends to cry when she feels the slightest bit left out rather than speaking up.  Maybe it's none of those things, but right now the way you respond will probably be directly related to how YOU are feeling about this interaction.  But what will de-escalate this will be if you respond to this situation based on how your CHILD is feeling.  Regardless of how you see this interaction happening, your child is viewing it from their perspective.  And that is obvious based on how they're responding right now in front of you.  What they need right now is to be heard and validated.

So in this example what would I do?  I'd say, "Tell me what happened".  Their version of the story is the quickest and most effective way to find out why whatever happened upset them so much.  Despite already knowing what probably happened as the parent of these two kids who has probably had this exact conversation many times, your child's version of what happened is what they are responding to behaviorally and emotionally.  As they're telling their story, pay attention.  Make eye contact.  Get down to their level.  Hold their hands.  Touch them and look at them and let them know you are not only hearing them, but also processing and listening to them.  I have found, that alone will sometimes calm a child down.  Really no other action may be needed.  You may wipe their face off and say, it's ok, go back and see if you can play now...and they will.  Maybe they'll sit quietly for a few minutes with you before something catches their eye and they run off.  Or maybe they need you to now respond to their story with suggestions and assistance, in which case, you get into parenting mode and help them fix their issue.  Maybe what happened is different what you originally thought and would have responded to.  Whichever way it plays out, you have now shown your child that you are willing to hear them.  Really hear them.  And you value their perception.  And you are always there for them.  Rather than thinking about what has happened historically, or anticipating what may have happened, you've used mindfulness to listen to them here and now and THAT my friend, will make a difference.  Now go back to staring off into space, you earned it.