This may seem a little off-brand for a therapist to write about, but if you really think about it, who better than a therapist to understand how to identify false information, aka fake news? We are trained to tease out the truth in confusing narratives and to navigate other people’s truths regardless of our own. We come from a history of “quacks” and are often viewed skeptically, which may be well deserved given some of the treatments and thoughts of our predecessors. In addition, and maybe you will think this is fake news, some people lie to us. They come to session and tell us lies and it’s our job to navigate that in the healthiest way possible for our clients without adding to the hurt that created the feeling in them that led to them lying to us in the first place.

In reaction to that, the mental health field has become dedicated to becoming science based. Emotional reaction? Maybe, you be the judge. Early on in my training I had a professor who preached the importance of always being science-led. Her position never wavered as she emphatically lectured us about peer reviewed vs. non-scholarly information and techniques. She was ruthless in this regard and I appreciate her now more than ever as a result. She reminded us of our reasons for wanting to be in this field and that to do so from an opinion based process rather than a fact based process was to put our clients' experience in jeopardy and possibly put them in danger. It wasn’t about what we wanted or what we thought, it was about the scientific process for assisting clients in reaching their goals. She wanted us to be critical consumers of media at all times. So how do we do that? The first and most important step was to confirm that the data we were using was based on unbiased fact and not acting in a self fulfilling way by relying on confirmation bias and emotional reactivity.

How do we do this? How do we know we aren’t allowing our own personal feelings and perspectives to cloud our ability to spot false information? Well, it takes a bit of practice, but once you get the hang of it, you’ll be a Cynical Cindy, just like me.

Follow the money: When it comes to information, it is VERY important to see who paid for the information. I believe one of the most obvious examples of this in recent history is when cigarette smoking was declared safe and the data used was paid for by the tobacco industry. Suspicious? Indeed. In therapy we use this concept in the sense of “Who’s goal are we working on? The client’s or someone else’s?”
If everything is a crisis, then nothing is a crisis: Media sustains itself by keeping the general public engaged. If we tune out, they don’t make any money. That’s not going to work and so the “breaking news” tactic has become the way that much of our news is disseminated to us. But is it all “breaking news”? Or is it just “ the newest news?” Becoming saturated in every little bit of information clouds our ability to weed through to the actual truth. For example, as a counselor I will often tell my clients that I don’t need them to relive their trauma and tell me what happened if it’s too much for them, I simply need them to share how it made them feel.
Measure twice, cut once: When a media outlet presents you with a fact, and it is consistent with your personal feelings/beliefs, double check it to make sure you are not engaging in confirmation bias. Do a little internet searching to see if the same concept is being reported by multiple outlets or if your new information is only being touted by one reference. If it’s a fairly controversial concept and it’s only being reported in one small niche place, you may want to press pause on it until more information is known. Kids are especially susceptible to this, I cannot count how many times a teen client has told me about a “fact” they learned on TikTok. No offense to TikTok, and admittedly there are some things to learn there, but if you’re telling me that you don’t need therapy because you are a Taurus and you learned that on TikTok, I’m going to need some additional sources for this “fact”.
Why why why: Think about your personal “why” in regards to what is it about this news that is important to you to be true. Is it because it aligns with your personal interests, because it confirms a behavior you are already engaging in, because you find it entertaining and don’t care if it’s true? There are lots of reasons why, and not all of them need to be serious, but it is important to be aware of yours.
Phone a friend: If something you learn about on the news really sticks to you, talk about it. Odds are most people you chat with agree with you about many things and won’t judge you too hard if you come to them with something that is really out there. Especially if it’s something somewhat controversial that has the potential to create a sense of isolation if you don’t share this info. Check people’s reactions to your news? Does it confuse them? Does sharing it make you feel more connected? Does talking it out help you piece out what part of it speaks to you and why some of it might be based in emotions rather than facts?

There is a lot of information out there, much of it is garbage pretending to be fact, and the reason for that is based heavily in points 1 and 2. But with a little extra thought, and some deliberate thoughtfulness, we can often come to conclusions based less on what we want to be true, and more on what actually is true.

I was chatting with a colleague of mine recently and she mentioned that several years ago she noticed that she began almost every weekend by being asked by her kids, “Mom, what are we doing today?”

Relatable? I thought so, too.

She said she used to sort of grumble an answer while she made her way to the coffee pot, but her children, like many others, were relentless in their need to know what’s on the schedule for the day. So she rattled off some things that she hopes to check off the list. Probably going to run to the store, do some laundry, maybe take the dog for a walk, at least one of you has practice, I need to reply to a few emails, hopefully read a little, considering a new place for take out for dinner. You know, the normal stuff. And as if on cue, her kids all groaned….that’s it? Nothing fun?

This to-do list is about 1000 times more fancy looking than mine.

Tired of the weekly reminder that she wasn’t any fun, my colleague started writing everything out on one of those whiteboards and hung it in the kitchen so that the kids knew what they were doing without having to ask. Most of the items that landed on that whiteboard were for the kids, in the form of music lessons, sports practice, and upcoming community and school events.

And yet, the kids kept asking. And kept groaning. They never did anything fun. And she started to agree with them.

Although the children’s activities and events were enjoyable, they’d become the norm and part of the routine and so they weren’t seen by the kids as “fun”. What the kids really meant by “What are we doing today” is “What are we doing that is new and interesting today?” And although she was well aware that her teenage children didn’t need her to consistently create new and exciting moments for them as they were fairly capable of doing some of that for themselves, she realized that she needed to examine her own definition of the word “fun”. Did fun mean new and exciting to her? Or was it the quiet contemplation she found after finishing a good book? Was it laughing till her sides hurt over stories her kids told her about their antics at school? Or was it the predicable pace of walking around her neighborhood with her dog? Did it need to be scheduled into her life? Or did it just seem to happen?

Was she looking for fun? Or was she looking for contentment? And how does she teach her children to recognize this as well? Also how does she teach them to read the whiteboard before asking her that dreaded question? Should she hang it from the ceiling in the bedrooms so it was the first thing they saw everyday? No, probably not. They’d still ask.

She and I talked at length about this and I shared that I think this is a question many women and mothers ask themselves, probably often unconsciously, and without ever really getting to the root of. Do we view our lives as fun? Content? Happy? While going through the day to day grind, do we even allow ourselves the time to stop and ponder these things? Does a person’s life need regular intervals of fun and for fun to be created? Would thinking more about what these words mean in the practical sense help us achieve them or would it create increased tension if we felt we couldn’t achieve them?

Were we getting too philosophical? We started to think we were getting too philosophical.

In reflecting back, it would seem that for many people, reviewing whether or not they have enough fun or contentment in their lives also includes comparing themselves to others. Between social media, chatting with neighbors, and last month’s influx of smiling faces on all those holiday cards, it’s hard not to think about it. Is my family having as much fun? As many vacations? Do we go out with friends as much? Is my life as interesting as others’ lives seem to me? And in comparing our lives to others, we will always always always find someone who seems to be hitting those standards more consistently, and what would appear to be more easily, than we are. So when we are evaluating our own happiness, whether that be through journaling or in a counseling session or over tea with friends, it’s important to look at our own values and find what these words mean….to us. And only us. And then find a lifestyle and a balance with these “fun” moments that works well for us. That may mean upping the ante a bit and hosting some friends for a game night. Or it might mean cleaning out the garage once and for all, or cozying up on the couch with the kids under a blanket and watching a horror film.

Where ever you are at in this journey of finding “fun” in your life, taking time to contemplate what that word means to you and your family, and what it looks like in action for you and your life, is invaluable.

Mindfully,

Meredith