Ready to Risk it All in 2023?

Welcome to 2023! We have been living in such a duality the past few years, navigating between risking our health and safety vs risking our version of normal. And I don’t think anyone can say that they’ve enjoyed this version of risk, most people are over it. But remember back before the pandemic when we thought about taking risks? Maybe it was about applying for a new job, or moving to a new home, or starting a new relationship.  Or maybe it was as simple as reaching out to an old friend. Risk can be the idea of doing something scary, but within a controlled level of danger, such as riding roller coasters or watching scary movies that are sure to induce nightmares.  So let’s think about that concept for a moment. Riding a roller coaster can be scary, but it’s (for the most part) a controlled environment and so the risk of actually endangering yourself is pretty minimal. You get all the thrill of the risk, with the knowledge you’ll probably come out of the experience perfectly fine.

But what about real risks, ones that could impact your livelihood or your family’s? I want you to focus on the concept of risk in the same way we think about the concept of change. Specifically a change we have to do, for whatever reason. Making a change in our life, whether it’s a job, moving to a new home, starting or ending a relationship, reaching out to someone in a new way, or speaking up for ourselves in ways that are new to us, is all a risk.  Even being in therapy can be a risk, you have no idea what types of Jedi mind tricks I might try to pull (spoiler alert, absolutely none, I’m pretty up front about my therapeutic ways). 

Now take a moment to look at your life through a critical lens. I want you to focus on one thing in your life right now that you’ve been considering changing and pretend for a minute you already made the change, you’ve already taken the risk.  You already gave your boss that two weeks notice, or you told your roommate that you’re moving out.  Maybe you’re taking a pay cut for a job that allows you more freedom or you’ve decided to break up a friendship that became more draining than content.  Whatever it is, pretend you’ve already done the hard part, you’ve already taken the risk. What does your life look like now?  What is different in your life?  What is better or worse, or are things about the same just changed in a new direction? Take notice of how your mind feels in this “new” space, can you notice a change in the tension in your body?  You may actually feel more tense as you adjust to this new experience, or maybe you find yourself feeling less tense as you’ve lost something that was holding you back. 

Now look back on the past year and any changes you made, any actual risks you’ve already accomplished. Can you see some examples when outcomes were varied or maybe didn’t end up the way you would have wanted them to when you made choices?  Did your choices fully reflect who you are or were they made in a reactionary way rather than a deliberate way? Looking back, was the change you made worth it and will you make the same choice if faced with the same situation again? Can you see the stops you took to make the change and how it played out for you? Now, take a few moments to really experience what it would be like to make the next change you are thinking of for this year.  Keep that feeling in your brain, in an accessible place, whenever you start to doubt yourself or talk yourself out of making the change.  

Mindfully- Meredith

PS: Speaking of risks, I’ve had a few people recently reach out to me about therapy in NYC and I wanted to share this lovely therapist’s contact info. I am not licensed in NY so as much as I’d love to be able to continue to work with people who are moving from NJ to NY, I cannot. Here’s a resources for you if you happen to fall into that category.

Six Steps To Stop People Pleasing

Did you ever feel like you agreed to something and immediately regretted your decision? And you feel that sense of dread that seeps into your stomach even as the words “Sure, no problem” come out of your mouth?  Occasionally agreeing to do something you don’t really want to do is something we can all relate to, but when it becomes a regular part of our interactions in can create mental health stress at very high levels. This is another example of bending our boundaries and often comes from some level of anxiety or perfectionist thinking that we have been carrying around for quite a while. Doing things because we feel that others expect us to do them, regardless of the toll it takes on us or whether we want to do them, is sometimes a noble thing to do. It is nice to say yes when a relative asks to for help with a task or when a neighbor stops by and asks for a quick favor. It is also taxing when you end up saying yes over and over despite really wanting to say no.

What happens in our brains when people ask us to do something we’d like to say no to. Often we go through a little cycle of thoughts so fast we don’t even realize it happens and it might sound a little bit like “I wish I could say no, but….”

• I don’t want them to get mad at me.

• I don’t want people to think I’m not kind/helpful/generous.

• What will they think of me if I say no?

• I technically can do this, so I shouldn’t say no.

• I don’t want to seem unlikable.

• I don’t want to risk our friendship.

• I enjoy helping people so I might as well say yes.

• I want them to like me.

All of these are valid thoughts and make perfect sense to think about. But all of them can become that overwhelming people pleasing tendency if we ignore them for too long. So how can we find that balance between helping people and running ourselves ragged? The first step is to take a moment before you answer and notice what the request really feels like in your brain. Before you respond to that text with a “Sure no problem”, take a moment to really go through some self reflection about how it feels to say yes to this.

• Recognize that it is going to work out if you say no. If you put up a small boundary and say “I wish I could help, but I’m sorry to say that this time I’m not available” it might be met with some resistance or disappointment. That is ok! You are allowed to say no to people, and people are allowed to feel disappointed. But just as many feelings are, the feeling of disappointment is fleeting and will pass quickly. Saying no one time will not ruin a healthy relationship.

• Do you know how overwhelm feels for you? It sounds like a simple question, but it feels differently to different people. Some people get weepy, some want to hide and shut down a bit, and others get a little bit more angry and have a shorter fuse when they feel overwhelmed. What does overwhelm feel like to you and can you recognize when you’re getting to that level?

• What do you need? This can be two directional, both what do you need help with that you could outsource and also what do you need in this moment in order to say yes if someone asks for help. Maybe you can say yes, but that means you are ordering pizza for the 3rd night this week and right now you’re feeling like you need more than pizza for dinner. So you might want to honor that feeling and say no so that you can have a meal that actually nourishes you rather than a quick grab and go dinner. Or maybe you can say yes, but that means you need someone else to pick up your kids from school. In that case, maybe you can make a trade, I’ll drive your kid to sports if you pick them up afterwards. Recognize your own needs in the scenario before committing.

• Feeling guilty? Why? Are you having a hard time with one of the statements above and feeling like people may be disappointing in you? In that case, where is that coming from? Why is the responsibility on you to handle everything that is asked of you? Sometimes we have to feel that discomfort and the tension of saying “no” and accept it for what it is. It’s uncomfortable, there’s a friction there in our feelings, and we don’t like it. But if you keep saying yes just to avoid that feeling, you will keep wearing yourself down. Learn to sit in that tension in small ways so that you can build up your tolerance and maintain your boundaries.

• Be honest about your feelings, at least to yourself. You certainly don’t need to tell someone who asks something of you “No, I’m not going to help you because I don’t care about you” but you might think to yourself “I’d rather not help this person right now because I’ve got my own busy schedule and their needs are not my priority”. It’s ok to be honest with yourself around your own feelings.

• Practice. Practice. And more practice. Start small, say no to your kid when they ask for candy after they’ve already had a treat. You know they’re going to ask 10 more times and you also know you don’t want them to have more candy so it’s a little easier to sit in the tension of “no” in order to maintain the personal boundary. And then gradually move up to saying no to staying late again at work, or taking on a project you don’t have time for, or even rescheduling your own day off around someone else. Baby steps will help you build up tolerance to the guilt and anxiety that creates the tension and friction when you say no.

Are there spaces in your life where you can recognize that you are bending your boundaries to please others, and you know it is at the expense of your own emotional health? Regardless of whether you have an interest in making adjustments in these areas, can you spend some time identifying them and making a mental note of them.

Need help with this? Schedule a consultation with me and lets get you back on track.

Mindfully,

Meredith