At some point in time during therapy, almost every client I have ever worked with has struggled with navigating boundaries. Whether its when I’m counseling a teen, or an adult, or even during couples counseling, I have processed boundaries with many clients. Sometimes the boundary work is in regards to their own boundaries towards others, sometimes it is learning to have boundaries with themselves, and sometimes it’s around the reaction they are having to other people’s boundaries. I want to talk today a little bit about the first concept, setting and keeping your own boundaries with other people.
So what exactly are boundaries? In a nutshell, they are limits. Limits to what you will put up in order to keep your physical, emotional, and mental health in check. It’s pretty easy to say no to something that is beyond your physical capacity, if someone asked you to pick up and move their car with just your bare hands it would be funny and you’d easily say no. It’s a little trickier when it comes to your mental or emotional capacity because even though you “can” do something, doesn’t mean you want to or should do something. When is it ok to set a healthy boundary or to say no to someone? The answer is whenever you want to.
An analogy I use with my clients when discussing boundaries is the idea of a stop sign. Picture a big red stop sign with the word NO on it and envision that it represents your boundaries. Obviously you can say no to anything, but it feels a little aggressive to simply say no to everything without some further thoughts about how we want to handle various situations. So instead lets change that red stop sign to a green one and change the word NO to the words “Go, but on my terms”. Why does that matter? Because when you agree to something on your own terms, you are protecting your mental and emotional health from developing resentment about bending your boundaries.
For example, lets pretend your neighbor asks you to help them clean their gutters and shows you that they already have the ladder set up. You see the ladder and know you are not comfortable climbing up on that, but you also really like your neighbor and don’t want to say no to them. You have the time to help them and you’d like to help them, but what are your personal boundaries in this situation? Maybe you say to them that you’ll hold the ladder steady and help them with the task, but that you are not going up on the ladder. You’ve said yes, but on your terms. Likely your neighbor will respect that and appreciate your help. If you said an outright NO, how would your neighbor have responded and would you be OK with that? What about if you said yes you’d help them and then found yourself up on the ladder despite the fact that you really didn’t want to be up there, how would that have impacted your friendship the next time you say each other? Holding to our boundaries leaves us in the best place to maintain the relationship and not build resentment moving forward, even if saying NO or YES in the moment may have been simpler.
Take a moment to think about your own life and where you hold boundaries and where you do not? Are there spaces in your life where you can recognize that you are bending your boundaries to please others, and you know it is at the expense of your own emotional health? Regardless of whether you have an interest in making adjustments in these areas, can you spend some time identifying them and making a mental note of them?
Need help setting those boundaries? Find a counselor and get work on building that green GO sign. Click HERE to schedule a free consultation.
Mindfully,
Meredith